You may not be who you think you are…

Disclaimer: I write this entry with hesitation because I’m not quite sure that I want to open myself up to the scrutiny.

Have you ever met someone whose perspective of themselves is so far off reality? They think they are being one way and the rest of the world is reading it differently.

This entry is inspired by a close friend of mine. He loves to analyze me (thinking he knows everything). Sometimes he is spot on, other times so far off base that he leaves me to question how I have behaved. Now don’t get me wrong, the fact is that there are not too many opinions that I give any consideration. Hey, can’t please everyone! But there are those that I do. Keeping in mind that no one person will have a full picture of you as there are many facets to each of us. This happens to me because what I expose to one person in a certain environment I may not in another. And I don’t think that’s fake either. I think it makes you appropriate. You don’t act the same as you would in the board room as you would with your homies.

So I asked myself this: If I were to ask my best friend, ex, mother and heck my boss to describe me, would there be anything in the description that caught me off guard? I enjoy this exercise because it puts perspective on how those exposed to different sides of you may see you.  Reality Check anyone?

I think My Mom would say:

I love my daughter. She is very talented and what she puts her hands to she does well. She has the gift of gab and commands attention. She is strong minded and opinionated.  But she can be a bit rough.

I think My ex would say:

This one is difficult. Especially since I don’t know, and if I did it would be none of your business.

I think My boss would say:

I’ll leave my boss out of this. I’m not going to lose my job over lack of discretion on the internet. I refuse to fall prey to that obvious misstep. But based on my last employee performance review I’m straight.

I think My best friend(s) would say:

Alli is loyal and will stand up to anyone in the defense of her friends and family. She is open to try new things unless it’s lame. She likes what she likes. She has a very low tolerance for foolishness and will call you out in a second if she thinks it’s wrong. However she recently realized that not everyone wants her opinion. She has an addictive personality, when she finds something she likes she kills it. Not to mention she has a staring problem. She may be turning into an old caribbean women, she says very crazy things. I can count on her cause she is down for me. She does wired things sometimes and cannot explain why. We love to laugh really hard till we can’t breathe.

Hey, not everyone is going to like you, (I got over that a long time ago) but if no one does, check yourself. All in all I hope that I have left a positive impression on the world, and that the people I love can rely on me.  

“People will never remember what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.”- Unknown

-Add Alli for Clarity

Chicks before Dicks (You have your friends, I have mine.)

I want to dedicate this piece to my girls. I love you, you know who you are.

By no means will I pretend to be a romantic relationship expert, there is much that evades me in this category. But I do have extended experience in the girlfriends department.

You know what I admire about men? Loyalty. I know you have all heard the saying “Bros before Hoes”, and "You'll never lose women chasing money, but you always loose money chasing women". Now, hoe is a really strong (and offensive) term but the gist of it is that men subscribe to the idea that you don’t ditch your friends or get distracted from your job for a girl. Rude huh?! Well maybe not.

Too often I witness female friends get into a relationships and disappear. You can’t find her nowhere. She no longer has a spare moment for her girls. Gone. All her time is consumed with her man, and if she does make plans with you they are tentative on her man showing up.

Now to her defense,  especially when you first fall for your beau, that junk is fun! He is so wonderful, good looking and so freakin' hilarious! And let’s face it you just can’t find that feeling anywhere else. But sooner or later it cools down and perhaps the relationship will go well and continue, but maybe not. And then the poor girl has to slink her way back to her friends.

Ladies! Why do we do this? I admonish you! Do not ditch, punk, blow off your friends for the attention of a dude! Because it IS possible to do both. You can a have girlfriends, hang out with your family and have a man too. And if for some reason your man doesn’t think you can…think twice about him.  Just like there is a space that ONLY your man can fill, there will be other spaces in your life that will require your girls, your family, a career, your hobbies and a spiritual life that he cannot compensate for.

The second thing I admire? Their ability to get over beef with other dudes. Most women do not have this skill. You cross me, that’s it. I mention this second thing because if you happen to be watching your girlfriend fade into the oblivion that is her man, be sensitive. When she returns (9 out of 10 times she will) forgive her. Who knows when you will need the same consideration?

Ladies, go out your girls (and don't bring him!), spend time with your family, find a fulfilling career, maintain your hobbies and strengthen your spiritual life. He is wonderful no doubt (*deep sigh*) but he is just piece to the larger picture that is you.

-Add Alli 4 Clarity

Were u ever my friend?

TD Jakes -3 Types of Friends

A visit to my cousin’s Facebook page led me to this video. In it TD Jakes describes 3 types of friends. While each example had me nodding my head in agreement there was one that struck me as poignant. The Comrades; theses people are not “for you” but instead “against what you are against”. “They are like scaffolding. They come into your life to fulfill a purpose and when the purpose is complete the scaffolding is removed.”   

Recently I had to cut someone out of my life. I do not enjoy this. I love my friends and it is not in my nature to cut people off (Unless you are just toxic, then I have no problem at all!). I relied heavily on this friend for emotional support during what was a tough transition for me. I trusted, confided and exposed my innermost and sometimes just plain embarrassing thoughts to them. I thought it was mutual. But for them it wasn’t the same, and when I discovered this I felt __________(insert harsh emotion here). They were not for me.

But to be very honest, upon reflection I discovered that it wasn’t all bad. We had a good time.  And all the while I was getting stronger, learning from them and about myself.

There is nothing like a real friend that has seen you at your worst and still loves you. And when you find one consider yourself blessed. For this is extremely rare. But if for some reason it doesn’t last perhaps you had them in the wrong category. And accepting that people will walk in and out of your life for a greater plan makes it all the more easy to say goodbye.

While I am getting better at identifying them, I will admit that I have mistaken many a comrade for a real friend. And it is no less painful when the scaffolding comes down and they are gone. But after a period of mourning (albeit brief) I look around and guess what? My building is still standing!

- Add Alli 4 Clarity

"Why are u like that?!"

The other day an episode of Behind the Music sparked a heated debate between my friend and I about teen pregnancy and cycles alike. In the episode lil' Wayne's mother encouraged her unwed teenaged son to bring home some "grand babies" because she was lonely.

I said, "Well makes sense... to her," and my appalled friend said, "there are some things that are just wrong!"

I was once told "We are the sum of our experiences, and how we interpret them will determine the decisions we make." For me there are two distinct parts to this quote. 

The first: What we go though shapes us. Every once in awhile some event will take place in my life, significant or insignificant and based off of what I see and feel I cannot remain unchanged. But you could go though the same exact event with me and leave with not only a different perspective but also reaction. Why? That brings me to the second part: How you interpret it will determine how you act. The tricky part, and what I believe creates the cycle is: your interpretation and reaction are based strongly on how you have been shaped.

Now you might be saying what about strong parenting, religion, or believing in God? Shouldn't that put us on same path? Well ever meet two siblings brought up in the same household who turn out to be completely different? Ever date someone from a perfectly good family who "loved the Lord" and they turned out to be disgusting? How about the full out brawl between Bro Soandso and Sis Whatshername during the nominating committee meeting?

Who's to say lil' Wayne's Momma was right or wrong? If we draw our conclusions based on our experiences maybe it made perfect sense ... to her.

What I will say is that if you have a little mind that you can shape or if you know better, share. This way someone else' experiences can be deepened by your own, and destructive cycles can be broken and new progressive ones can be born. 

- Add Alli 4 Clarity